


I’m not ok

by Emophiaislost



Category: Kpop - Fandom, Straykids
Genre: Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Chan, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Violence, insecure, woojin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 06:00:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17913125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emophiaislost/pseuds/Emophiaislost
Summary: Woojin isn’t okay and he’s not sure he’ll ever be





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hella angst bro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm

Woojin grazed the blade against his skin, it was only a Quick sting of pain. His thoughts were cloudy and eyes red from how much crying he'd done. He was weak, he was disgusting, he was the oldest he's not suppose to be Cutting. He's not suppose to be so fucking weak that he relies on a blade.  
He's not- " Woojin?"  
Woojin was brought back for a minute hearing Chan's voice at the door. " Ah, Woojin the show is about to start..hurry up okay?" " alright Chan" Woojin slipped the blade into his pocket and rolled down the sleeves of his hoodie he pressed the fabric against his skin to soak up the blood but the stinging pain of the cuts still remained. He made sure before stepping out to wash his face with cold water. Eliminating the fact that he'd been crying.  
He quietly left the bathroom and headed to the dressing room. The members were all ready and dressed for the showcase reviewing the choreo one more time before the performance. " Are you excited hyung?" Jeongin came over cheerful, bouncing on the heels of his feet. Woojin couldn't help but smile at the boy " Yes I'm really excited" The show began and straykids headed out with a bang. The whole performance was so mesmerizing.  
So fulfilling to the other members, but woojin felt nothing. It was like a hole digging into his chest he felt so empty. The excitement of being idol faded.  
*******************************

Jisung and Felix were babbling on about how exciting the performance was. Saying that they've never felt more alive.  
The ride back to the dorm was pretty normal. Chan on his phone checking updates on Twitter, The other members playing rode games ( even though they all find a way to cheat) woojin sat in the back of the car. His head gently laying on Chan's shoulder from the headache of performing and the loud kids in the car. He was tired and just wanted today to be over. He wanted to go back to the dorms and lay down. His arms were still stinging from what happened this morning. Not only that but he wants to take a shower before the others ruin the bathroom by leaving their dirty clothes for him to pick up. But he's used to it. It doesn't bother him as much as it did when he first came into straykids. Looking back at his debut days some of which he'd rather forget. He can rarely recall any memories he's genuinely fond of. The memory of his mother looking so sadden and disappointed of him. She said he threw his life away. Becoming an idol wasn't a real job, maybe a lawyer or a doctor. Not a man who dances in costumes. She didn't even bother to come to his first showcase, all the members parents there supporting them. Actually proud of what they became. Woojins mother didn't see him as the she wanted.  
She would always tell him that he would be nothing in life. Deadbeat and useless like his father. Who did nothing till the day he died, the alcohol In his breath when he would come home from ' work'.  
But that part of his life is over. A part he'd rather not bring up. A part in which not even Chan knew about, he planned to keep it like that too. 

************************************************************

Woojins eyes fluttered open, not remembering when he ended up in bed. The room was dim lit except for a crack in the door. He yawned gently, stretching out the crooks in his back.  
Soft knocks could be heard on the door he turned on the lamp next to him and let out a gentle “ come in”  
Chan enters the room a solemn smile on his face. He sits down on Woojins bed.  
“ hey”  
Chan swallows and looks up at the ceiling tears heating up in his eyes.  
“ wooj I.." QQ  
Chan goes into his pocket and pulls out a folded paper towel he gives it woojin  
" I know Woojin"  
Woojin looks down at the paper towel and peels it back. His heart sinks immediately he swallows thickly. It's his blades.  
" Where'd you find these?" Woojin doesn't know how to feel. Anger towards Chan for going through his stuff? Maybe he should feel embarrassed. He got caught.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s really short but that’s ok

Woojin sat in the corner angry tears leaving his eyes his heart racing and body shaking.  
The only word he could get out was Fuck.  
How could he let this happen. How could he let Chan see the fact that’s he’s weak? The fact that his body is littered in self degrading cuts and scar. Chan screamed at him. Yelled. Saying  
“ why would you do this"  
" you promised me you stopped cutting" " I can't do this anymore woojin!" Woojin couldn't look at chan. The disappointed look in eyes. It made woojin cry harder. It made his head hurt and body ache.  
He hurt the one person he loves. He broke a promise. A promise he should've kept.  
The room was spinning, the crying had blurred his vision Woojin was so englufed in thoughts he hadn't realized that Minho entered.  
He came down and held Woojin. It made him feel useless. " Hyung are you ok?"  
Minho brushed his hands through woojins hair trying to calm the elder down. It's been awhile since he's seen woojin cry. Especially to this extent. It pains him to think what could be going through his Hyung's head. But he knew one person was a definite cause, Chan.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into woojins past ( a filler for the main story) 
> 
>  
> 
> TW: rape

_woojin gently backed into the corner of the room, swallowing thickly and he held up the top of his pants. " J-jungwoo no" is all woojin could muster out of himself before he started crying._

_Woojin and jungwoo met while they we're at highschool. They fell in love rather quickly. They saw each other after school almost everyday. Jungwoo always the adventurous one in the relationship. The only thing was. Woojin wasn’t ready to have sex. He was scared and wanted to wait until the right moment. Jungwoo just seemed to get angrier each time he would deny him. The anger got worse and turned into Jungwoo screaming at him calling him disgusting things. " You pig! I do all of this for you and this is how you repay me?!" " No one else wants you Woojin your only hope is staying with me" Woojin gotten so used to the abuse so used to wearing long sleeves to hide his cuts and bruises. Used to being nothing more than a waste of space. He's so used to being useless. He changed himself for Jungwoo to make him happy. He lost weight. So that way Jungwoo wouldn't call him fat anymore. He stopped hanging around his friends so that way his boyfriend wouldn't feel so betrayed. Instead of finishing his work he'd go out and drink with Jungwoo, just to give him the satisfaction. He hated all of it. He hated being by His side. He hated being by his friends. And at one point he hated living._

_Jungwoos heavy body was ontop of woojin rolling down the elastic of woojins pants. Skimming him down to his boxers. “Get off!” Woojin yelled hopelessly as his arms were being pinned down unto the floor. Jungwoo yanked down woojins boxers exposing himself and showing off his thighs.He remembers the night vaguely. His tears clouding his vision and him blacking out constantly._

 

_he woke up on the cold floor his lower parts sore and his head throbbing. His breath hitched he started hiccuping, hard sobs escaping his mouth as his body shook. At this point this is when Woojin realized he'll never be more than what he is on the floor right now. His mom was right. She was right not to believe in him. He slowly got up from the floor his joints aching. He wants to Call Chan to come pick him up. But he's not in the mood for explaining. He's not in the mood for questions when he just wants to go home and rest. Go home and cry. So instead he calls Minho. His best friend. To come and get him. Minho knows when to not ask questions and to just comfort him let him cry and vent on his shoulder. When Minho comes Woojin falls into his chest sobbing. His body shaking from the sobs escaping his mouth. Minho rubs circles into the boys back taking him to the car and letting him lay down in the back seat. Woojin left his bookbag at jungwoo's but he wasn't in a state to care. He just wants to leave and escape this mess before Jungwoo is back. Minho took Woojin inside when they arrived to his small apartment. Minho, Jisung and Woojin share a dorm. Jisung heard the keys jingle he quickly sat up ready to see minhos' face. Minho bust through the room, Woojin leaning on him his skin somewhat battered and bruised. " What happened to him?!" Jisung asked concern filling his voice. Minho just shook his head taking Woojin to his bed. " He doesn't want to talk about it Jisung." Minho stayed with woojin for atleast an hour making sure that he's alright even though he knows for a fact he's not. Woojin fell asleep Minho slowly got up leaving the room and shutting the door softly._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm  
> TW: Suicide  
> TW: violence

God, he's not okay. He's not okay. Woojin is shaking. Trembling. His body aching. Minho and Chan had just gotten into a heated argument about him. More than an argument. A fight. Over him. Everyone is sick and tired of Woojin. Everyone blames him for being so dumb. Being so irresponsible. Being so needy and weak. He hates it. He hates being the reason why no one is talking. Jeongin and seungmin shaking in Felix and Jisungs arms. Minho and Chan bloodied and bruised. Hyunjin and Changbin having to break up the fight in front of all the members. He's not wanted anymore. He's not worth being wanted. 

 

 

_" If you loved him you wouldn't treat him like shit chan!" Minho yelled at Chan his face red and angry._

_" I don't treat him like shit!-"_

_" don't treat him like shit? You think a good boyfriend would leave him crying?!"_

 

 

 _Woojin wants to end it all now. He can't take it anymore._  He can't take being the divider between his friends. He doesn't want to be the reason they stop hate each other. He doesn't want them to hate him. Woojin should've been more discreet with his cutting. Hiding the blades somewhere more secretive. 

 

 

_" get off of eachother!" Hyunjin yelled trying to pull minho and Chan away from eachother. Blowing punches into eachothers faces. Yeah they've gotten mad before but they've never fist fighting never ever laying a hand on one another._

 

 

He stared out the dorm window. He should jump. That's all he's thinking about is jumping. He opened the Window the crisp air filled the room. His hands were trembling his body shaking.

 

 

_" Chan stop! You'll kill him!" Seungmin screamed tears running down his face, Chan was ontop of Minho strangling him. Minhos' face was turning red he could feel his airways close. He quickly got his legs and pushed Chan's stomach knocking the wind out of the blond boy. Chan was panting his stomach aching. They both stood up to their feet. Hyunjin and Changbin pushed them away from eachother. Jisung and Felix we're tending to Seungmin and Jeongin. Trying to get them to relax._

He sat at the window ledge looking down at the concrete floor. He set his head at the corner of the window. Looking at his arms. How the scarred skin is still healing. He takes off the ring Chan give him. A black band which he wears everywhere. He loves it. But now it's time to give it back to him. He sits it on a desk next to the window. He grabs his phone and looks at the lock screen one more time. He remembers this date. He doesn't like taking pictures but chan made him so that way they'd have matching wallpapers. Something to look at whenever they were sad. He puts the phone down and smiles looking up at the dark cloudy sky. Tears fell down his face. " I've had a long enough run" he said. His voice small and delicate. Woojin stood up on the ledge of the window. Holding on to the sides. He turns back at the room one last time looking at all the old memories. Turning back around he jumps. For a minute it felt like he was flying. The wind flowing through his body. He Could literally feel his life flash before his eyes. The times where he was happy and the times when he was so weak and sad. Woojin was happy this was the end of him. No more constant suffering. No more cutting and shaping himself to fit what others liked. Now he was gone. His body hit the concrete floor. Blood seeping from out of him. This was it.

 

 

  _“ woojin!” Chan screamed he fell onto the floor covering his mouth. His heart is shaking, he feels like he’s gonna vomit. His body on the floor. He runs down the steps of the building he’s going so fast he can’t even feel his legs. The only thing going through this head right now is Woojin. Woojin. Woojin. Woojin. That’s all he can think about. All that he wants to think about. He made the staff call an ambulance. He has to save Woojin. He needs Woojin to be okay. Chan isn’t the same without Woojin. For fucks sake straykids isn’t the same without Woojin. He made it out the building and to the window where Woojin jumped. He’s looking for his body looking for what state he’s in. Searching through boxes and trash and stopping once he sees a figure. A small figure with blood. Blood leaving his body. It’s woojin. Chan moves closer to him and falls to his knees picking up his limp body from the dirty ground setting his head in his lap. Chan was sobbing wailing feeling his heart ache for his lover. He pushed his hands through woojins dark brown hair. Loving the soft texture of it. He presses his ear to woojins chest. There has to be a beat. He has to be breathing. He can hear the light shallow breaths of woojin and the small beats of his heart. “ oh god Woojin, oh god why would you do this” Chan asked. He’s begging Woojin makes it out alive. Praying to whatever god there is that he’s okay._

_*_

They were in the waiting room for who knows how long. Everyone was silent. Waiting for a doctor to say woojin was okay. Chan turned towards Minho " I'm so sorry Minho, I was being a jackass a-and I'm just so so sorry" 

Minho sniffed back tears hugging chan while he cried " I'm sorry too chan, I love you we all do" The others joined in holding eachother in this time of need. He's glad he has such amazing friends. He's happy he has such an amazing Family. Now all they have to do is wait. Wait and see. Wait to see if Woojin will hopefully be okay.


End file.
